I’ve had a heavy heart and mind.
Despite our crazy, chaotic, sleepless lives, I can’t shake this burning desire to have another child. Weird? Yes, very. Only because my husband and I have always known we would stick with two, especially after we were blessed with one boy (who is every inch boy) and one girl (who couldn’t be more girly). We were so sure that we’ve rid ourselves of all baby items and have been particularly attentive to each stage that our youngest moves through as we know it will be our last.
This “desire” comes in many forms; anxiety, joy, anger, confusion, sadness, and all other emotions under the sun. It varies, but lately, there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about it. It’s actually becoming an exhausting exercise as I continuously weigh my pros and cons and search for that glaring answer that I’ve been looking for. I even found myself one night Googling “Should I have two kids or three?” Google never fails me, but in this instance, it definitely didn’t deliver what I was looking for.
I feel conflicted for some many reasons.
Time. Last time I checked, there’s only 24 hours in a day; 6 to 7 of those we are sleeping (if we’re lucky), 8 to 9 of those we are working (5 days out of the week), and typically 3 nights/week we split for sporting events and activities. This leaves a handful of time for us to enjoy each other’s company and just BE. Oh – and not to mention, that lucky month where we squeeze in some alone time. What happens when there’s five of us? O.M.G.
Money. This shouldn’t be first on my list, but it is. Money isn’t everything, but if I’m being honest, it’s a lot of almost everything. We feel fortunate to provide our kids with everything they need and want (within reason) and then some, and even have some left over to enjoy for ourselves. We have six years of experience thus far and kiddos cost a pretty penny these days (do the research). Besides, going from 4 to 5 people means bigger vehicles, more pounds of meat, 3 college savings account, and so on and so on. I can see our bank account diminish with just the thought.
Career. My family means the most to me, no doubt. But there are other parts of my life that are important. Fortunately, I love what I do. I have big aspirations for myself and I have no shame in devoting a portion of my time to fulfilling those ambitions. In our current state, I can manage both family life and professional life (barely), but fear that if our family grew, that managing both would be nearly impossible.
Balance. Two kids, two adults – makes sense. What happens when that equilibrium gets thrown out of whack? Outnumbered parents seems like many lost battles and one ginormous take over.
Love. Can I spread my love between 3 and feel it’s enough for them?
The list goes on and on…
My Sanity. Enough said.
Patience. Do I have enough?
Physically. Can I do it (I’m so tired ALL. THE. TIME)?
Emotionally. Can I handle it?
I get it. I’m totally crazy. This is who I am. I can’t make any decision without nearly killing myself over it first. Even after all this rationalizing, mostly in favor of sticking to a party of four, I STILL can’t convince myself that it’s the right answer.
So, how do I know if three kids is right for us?
As a disclaimer, I feel VERY BLESSED to have problems like these. Having two healthy kids with the opportunity to have another is something many will never have. These are just words, thoughts, and conflicts of my current situation that I wish to share with others.